I had no idea what got into me these few days.
I used to think i am mild temper. I hate confrontations and i prefer to tolerate, forgive and move on. For the past few days, i wasn’t.
First it started when I went out for dinner with a few of my colleagues. One of them said he wasn’t able to come since he got something which i think is not last min. Another one had to work late but refused to come and join when he was done. And to think that both of them had readily agreed when i asked them. I really hated when situations like this happen. It used to be one of my JC friends. He always agreed to whatever outing, gathering we have, whenever, wherever. But less than 1/2 the time, its no show from him. Reason? Last min got this, got that which sounds really silly when his reasons are like recruits passing out parade or family trip which will never be a last min thingy. It all comes down to not being considerate enough to check his own schedule before agreeing. To me, its a selfish act which irritates me to a great extent.
No doubt that one maybe too busy to forget and agreed without much consideration. Even i am sometimes guilty of that, but i will surely check my schedule and voice out before much arrangements are made. Yet i have to suffer all these by my friends and colleagues.
Secondly, the reason was all in the previous post. I had so much of an urge today to start typing my resignation letter in office that i had to pull myself away from my desk and walked around to cool myself. I didn’t manage to do anything today, all my projects are in other’s hands. Besides gently reminding them the urgency, i could do nothing. I am in no position nor rank to command them. Coaxing and urging them usually won’t work. My boss expects no delay but he is a manager while i am just an engineer.
I think i need a break. I wanted to go on leave tomolo for a long weekend but a call from my boss at 4pm ruined all plans (btw, he is on 2 days leave). I had to stayed for at least the morning to attend to some request to a vendor which i thought was rather uncalled for.
Thirdly, i get uncomfortable when i know i overspent my weekly budget. I prefer to go harsh on myself, capping the weekly expenditure so that i won’t splurge one week and starve the other. It takes discipline and frankly speaking, it isn’t easy. I no longer order something during lunch or dinner without calculating and peering into the wallet. I rarely use my 20 odds credit cards nowadays to better control my spendings. I am feeling strained from this but i know that this is prob the best method to force myself to be careful and able to save whatever small amount i can.
Lastly, i am tired. Most recently, i find myself often staring into blank spaces for long period of time. My mind went empty and i don’t like this at all.
So thats why, for the past few days, i am snappy, grouchy and extremely irritable.