I was talking to my colleagues yesterday, somehow went into the topic of our past relationships.
I didn’t have much to talk about, i was not someone who likes to go into brief flings. Only one past relationship, one that had me thinking yesterday while my colleagues were chatting away.
It all started in my JC. I was out of a all-boys school (Maris Stella High) and she from a all-girls one (PLMGS). She was the quiet type, one that will invoke your manly feelings to try to protect her. We started to hang out together, studied together and got to know each other better even though we were not from the same class. It took her a year to acknowledged that we are a couple.
Even though we saw each other that way, it certainly didn’t feel that way. She rarely took the initiative to hold hands, she would let me get drenched in rain because our stupid school rules forbid boy & girl sharing umbrella. Yet at the same time, she did those heart-warming stuffs like going town to grab me a christmas present while nursing a sprained ankle. Confusing times were those, yet painfully sweet as well.
It was until when i was to be enlisted into army that we started to see less of each other. SAF is notorious for ruining many relationships, haha. She was enrolled in NUS architecture, against her wishes but to the delight of her parents. Her family
was is pretty well to do while i was, still is, from a more average than average income household.
It was during this time when she often broke down, unable to take the stress from the numerous projects. I was trying to offer as much emotional support as i could from the limited time i have during weekends. We both tried to support each other, despite the hardships that we are facing.
Finally, one day, just 6months from my ORD, her secondary school friend brought her to a pretty well-known church. There, she got to know a would-be pastor and got drawn into their community. There, she found the emotional support and relief that i was unable to provide. They sensed that she was weak and needed someone to talk to, to provide a refuge for her to get away from the stress of her course.
I could see all these and where all these are heading. We were destined for our lives, separately. Not because she became a christian, but she did not know what will happen to us if i remained a non-believer of her new-found faith. After all, christians are supposed to be with christians only?
But what struck me most, in a heart-wrenching way, was that she has never on our 3 years of relationship, say that she loved me. Not even under prompting. She just said she do not know if she felt that way towards me.
Should i wait? Was 3 years long enough a time to know where a relationship is heading to? Will she be happier if i leave her?
I think i got the answers to those questions. To love her, sometimes, it meant to leave her. We are not destined together, those 3 years are a painful period where we learned how to behave in a relationship, what to do, what not to do. We were young back then, so I probably won’t have done many of the things i did. If there is at least one thing i got out of this, i grew matured.
The last time i met her, about few years back, she mentioned that she is a happier person now. I take that as a proof that what i did, to leave her, was a right move.
That chapter is closed now. Its been like 7 years since we broke up and things have moved on. I am now attached to a childish, whiny, stubborn, obstinate woman who despite all these short-comings, love me deeply. This is another chapter of my life, who knows where this one will lead me to?
Its not that i am reminiscing about the past, not that i am trying to reach out to her, hoping she will bump into my blog, but today has been an extremely bad day for me and i need some relief. Writing all these down actually feels good.
Tomorrow i shall treat myself to some retail therapy.